Republican Unnecessarily Shirtless In ‘Men’s Health’
Just what America doesn’t need at a time we didn’t want it: GOP congressman Aaron Shock goes shirtless in an issue of Men’s Health magazine, and the dude is ripped.
Schock teamed up with the magazine to support the Fit for Life Summer Challenge, a program out of range of McAmerica, and obviously one he’s not going to win any votes for.
Schock isn’t saying you have to jiggle to the P9oX exercise DVD that congress adores, he just wants America to be healthy. And we’re all for that, Aaron. We want to look good too! The problem is, we don’t want YOU to look that way.
You’re a congressman, our representative in Washington D.C. The man who can make important things happen for the good people of Illinois. We absolutely DO_NOT want you running five miles a day.
Are you out of your Republican head? We want your ass stapled to a the expensive cushion of an overpriced office chair, with blisters on your ears and shoulders from holding the phone to your head for hours without using your hands. We want those hands be be full of legislative bills with large X’s marked by your hand through outrageous defense spending reports. We want your eyes to be straining under the glare of energy-efficient lamps as your desk sinks deeper and deeper within an ever-growing pile of paperwork. We want your belly to be as large as our bellies, used solely as a food reservoir to keep your mind sharp, your phone dialed, and your eyes searching, ever searching for more ways to stifle the industrial military complex. We don’t want you fit, Aaron, we want you fat and smart and dedicated. In short, we want you to be Carl Levin:
Now there’s a real congressman. Look at that belly. Look at those glasses. Look at the flag and the plant and the cheap podium. Most especially, look at the stare and action in his articulation. THAT is a politician we want. Your blue shorts, six-pack, stagnant stance, and limp arms do nothing for us. We want our cheeseburger and fair laws.
So for McNugget’s sake, get out of the health magazine and into some dress pants with an elastic waist. Come back to Washington in a few years, little pol. You just don’t have the size for it.
